‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: We Hit The Club And Turn The Crowd To An Igloo

Buongiorno a tutti, Im just coming off half a carafe of wine and a Bryson Tiller album, so safe to say I am in my mf feelings. TBD if this will affect the recap.

Ariana and Tom roll up to Villa Blanca to train some dude Wesley on the new cocktails. $5 says he ends up hooking up with one of the servers and makes an appearance next season. Stay on Wesley Watch 2K17.

Also Tom has been working for Lisa for 7 years? Holy fuck, that is a long time. The only 7-year relationship I have is with .

Sandoval: The cranberry juice here is a little less red than ours.

I’ll take “Things That Are Not Real” for $400, Alex.

Sandoval is taking James to hypnotherapy to have him stay off alcohol. Lisas like James doesnt need hypnotherapy as much as he needs less alcohol, like NO FUCKING SHIT Lisa. Thats like saying this heroin addict doesnt need rehab so much as they need less heroin.

Meanwhile James is still playing the my parents just got divorced sympathy card. Somebody needs to tell him that doesn’t work past the age of 7.

James: A lot of slices make a whole pie, I think Lisa had enough slices.

I got pied from SUR & Pump = the new way Im going to tell people I got fired.

James Mom is like At the end of the day people are just jealous, so ok NOW I know where James ego comes from.

James Mom: I love Raquel. Her light shines from the inside.

Honestly it’s hilarious that you say that, because I would say something very similar about Raquel which would be: The lights are on but no ones home.

James Mom says Kristens karma for talking shit about James is that Kristen will be barren. WTF. You don’t wish infertility upon another woman. That’s just like, the rules of feminism! (Although I do not in any way, shape, or form think that Kristen should bring a child into this world. BUT STILL.)

Jaxs explanation for the makeout rumor is ah my friends are just being dumb. I kiss my father on the lips.

HOW is that better??

Sheri and Brittany are like Why are you getting defensive? WTF else is the proper reaction when someone’s sorta accusing you of like, being a sinner and going to hell? This is some Stassi level confirmation bias.

Of course Brittanys mom is like Well if yall go to church youll stop fighting. Honestly I think if Jax stepped foot in a church he would burst into flames. So I guess that would work, technically.

Lisas painting her kitchen a distinct lavender, which to be fair to Katie, is not in any way dusty pink.

I hate Toms ponytail more that I hate most people tbh.

Schwartz is wearing a green suit to his own wedding and I would bet my entire fucking life savings that Katie has no idea this is happening.

Ariana is really putting on a blazer tho. Guess shes really going all in with this groomsman thing that I only just remembered is still happening.

The bridesmaids are at lunch, not super interesting except: Why is Kristen texting Schwartz?

Scheana (to Stassi): No offense but if we go to New Orleans youre just gonna plan the whole trip.

Stassi: Im not planning because I want to plan Im just planning because I know everything.

I mean c’mon, have you guys forgotten who you’re dealing with?

Also can we discuss how Scheana looks like a yorkie in her confessionals?

Oh wow were still trying to make this “Bridesmaids, oo haha!” thing happen.

Katie: IDK what I want for the flowers so Im bringing Lisa along so she decides for me hopefully.

Lisa: Whats your budget for the flowers?

Katie:IDK Im thinking 6K is low enough that Tom wont murder me over it.

LOL I have never even met Schwartz and even I know hes going to freak tf out that youre spending 6 grand on flowers.

James, pre-hypnotism: Im so nervous.

Sandoval: The thing you should really be is relaxed.

SUPER HELPFUL. THANKS TOM.

James: People think, Oh James hes British, his hair is perfect. They dont realize I have issues.

There you have it, everyone. Behind all that perfect hair is a deeply troubled soul.the title of James Kennedy’s mixtape.

I hope they did not pay this hypnotist because I saw a more effective hypnotist during freshman year orientation. Who, for the record, did not reference One Direction MULTIPLE TIMES.

Ariana: I got my first horse when I was 8 and she was more of a friend to me than most people.

Oh so Ariana’s a horse girl. Things are beginning to come together. Honestly having a hard time not cracking up about her tearing up over this horse. So I guess even Bryson Tiller himself cannot warm my icy heart.

Sandoval is like Its a really big step for James to be hypnotized and take responsibility. So he took responsibility by napping? Because if so then Im the most responsible person to ever walk this fucking earth.

Katie and Schwartz are meeting for their prenup which for the record I 100% support. Also Katies like Did you get a quote for this consulation and how much its gonna cost? Bitch are you really gonna complain about shelling out $2,500 for a prenup when just yesterday you dropped more than 3x that for some fucking flowers?

Katie has $200 in her checking account; just wanted to put it out there for you all.

Tom came in with the screenshots and the lawyer just laughed, aka me with my accountant this tax season. AKA me trying to sext.

Back at SUR, Scheana is still pushing the Ellie/James thing, because someones gotta be the Kristen of this season. Tell me again how solid your marriage is, Scheana.

Brittany: Im not just gonna sit there and let someone disrespect me, thats just not who I am.

Katie: Painting is not my skill, Im much better at coloring.

????

Schwartz to Ariana and Stassi: Be cool, dont be all uncool.

Stassi: It felt abrasive that you were like IDGAF about you.

Ariana: \_()_/

Stassi: It makes me feel sad, you hurt my feelings.

So now we know that Stassi has been spending her free time in middle school conflict mediation classes.

James mom is at her sons club venue because shes not a regular mom, shes a cool mom.

Jax: Im not just here for the music. Theres also an interior motive.

Oh, Jax. You ALMOST had it.

James’ rap starts out with 30 seconds of “Lets go. Lets go. Ok. Ok.”

The white Kanye West, ladies and gentlemen. More like the white Lil Uzi Vert. I know nobody is going to get that reference; I just did it for myself.

On the behalf of white people everywhere I would like to apologize for this sad excuse for rapping.

Sandoval to Ellie and GG: What are you two eskimo sisters doing here?

Ellie: Were trying to make this into an igloo.

How long did you guys practice that line?

Raquels like: I heard youre so obsessed with my boyfriend, girl?

GG: Girl, girl he cheated on you girl. Girl.

Feminism somehow got brought into this? Like its supposedly a tenant of being Miss California? Lol, no. I would be surprised if Raquel even knew what feminism meant.

James: I would never have sex with you GG, youre dumpy. This is just a repurposing of Honey look at you. Youre ratchet. #NeverForget

GG slaps James. James calls Sandoval and all his friends low lifes. Low lives? Mer-man?

James: I need my suit jacket. Its Gucci.

^When your shirt is ripped but your jacket is Gucci. #Priorities

Read more: http://www.betches.com/vanderpump-rules-season-5-episode-13-recap

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