‘Summer House’ Recap: Cash Me Outside, How Bout Dat

Alright were back at dinner rehashing Date Gate and Kyles like, This is none of my business.

Everyone at the table + me: I need another drink.

Everett and Lindsey are at the house, Lindsay asks how dinner went. Actual footage:

Lauren: Carls playing me and hes gonna get the wrath of me.

She also said youre not gonna charm your way into me which I feel is a little graphic. And also, I think he already did.

Kyle broke up with Amanda three days prior and is drunk texting her. Also he called shots shotskies. Attraction gone. Also, Amanda. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you!

I dont want to be fucked over, she says as shes literally fucking herself over.

Stephen: *On the balcony by himself eating Skinny Pop.*

I am Stephen. Stephen is me.

Lindsay and Cristina secretly hate each other and are throwing passive-aggressive shade at each other via their manicure lingo. AKA shits getting real.

Lindsay wants to bring her interns in to their living room to work? How big is your apartment?. She’s acting like she’s insulting her interns by having them work from home or *gasp* in Starbucks. Have you never worked from home before? Shit is a blessing.

WeWork is getting so much free PR for this show. Wait. They all work in PR so, not free PR. Damn Bravo producers are slick.

Lindsay: Im not springing anything on you except for the fact that Im springing a few teenagers on you.

Lindsay thinks shes struggling and Cristina is not being compassionate. IDK I feel like when you voluntarily leave an established company to start your own company you dont get to complain that youre struggling.

Guess whos back, back again. Carl is back. Tell a friend.

K as a multiple birth I resent this youre dating both personalities comment. Not all twins are creepily over-invested in each others lives #NotAllTwins. PS tho why is Lauren dressed like Laura Ingalls Wilder?

Also I dont think Brad cares enough about you children to kill any of you. Ashley definitely would kill you tho. So watch TF out.

LOL @ Stephen and Carl are confirming their story as if the difference between meeting in East Hampton vs. Manhattan changes things. You guys did not commit a high-profile murder, you just drove out to The Hamptons together. It is not that deep.

Carl’s like if she wants to talk about it she can ask me. Oh, she will. You asked for it.

Lauren: I dont want a bottle of ros to myself, what do I look like?

Can I volunteer to take that bottle then? Fucking ingrates.

Lauren to Carl: Oh so you cant COMMIT to drnking?

Real subtle.

Lauren catches Carl outside (how bow dah) to confront him about #DateGate.

Lauren: Why did you tell me you were bringing your mom when you were bringing a date?

Carl: Wasnt me. Don’t remember.

Lauren: Were you drunk?

Carl: Yeah. Def.

Lauren: You were driving tho.

Carl: IDK. Still wasn’t me.

Carl, the Shaggy of our time.

I cant wait for Carl to spin this like OMG Lauren is such a crazy bitch when shes actually being very rational and calm. Tell me sexism is dead.

OK wow that didn’t take long at all.

I would like to nominate Carls rapper name to be Young Trump bc he is trying to gaslight the American public rn.

Carl: I know Im 31 but Im still kind of a boy.

OK hes mildly more mature than the leader of our fucking country rn. Lauren bought Carl a present tho which is not helping her case to be seen as sane. Girl, what? This man works in sales. He can buy his own damn ear plugs and mask. That shit is like, what, $12 total at CVS?

Ashley is really tired, WTF else is new.

Not sure Id call Lindsay & Everett aka Liverett, the couple of 3 months, a power couple.

Honestly I feel a little bit of solidarity with Lindsay because I too have an Aunt Rhonda. Although mine loves gin. Tbh she could probably hang.

Cristinas like Im working this event so I cant party I have to be focused so clearly shes never been with me when Ive been covering any of the various music festivals I go to.

Say Should I tuck my shirt in again, Carl.

Kyle is barely speaking English rn. According to my scientific calculations, hes gonna vomit in like, 3 minutes.

Stephen: Id rather get a BJ from Cristina than hang out with him ever.

I mean that comparison is not like, immediately apparent so like not really sure the degree to which you would or would not want to hang out with Kyle. Like, I get that Cristina’s not your type but a BJ is a BJ, so? Pls clarify.

Oh so shes freelancing at age 32 and they dont think she made this move voluntarily. Interesting…

Carl excludes himself from the narrative with the excuse that hes on antibiotics and sweating. Oh bitch please. Just say you cant take the heat. Dont blame it on modern medicine.

Cristina: Are you guys hungry?

Literally everyone:

Lindsay: Youre being a very bad friend

by making her interns work from home two days in a row? What a monster!

Lindsay: Youre being a bad friend!

Cristina: No youre being a bad friend!

Lindsay: No you!

Cristina: No you!

Wake me up when this preschool shit is over.

Kyle literally just referred to the party in his pants and said “Ubers are here!” Pauly D called, he wants his shtick back.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/summer-house-season-1-episode-4-recap

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