‘Are You The One: Second Chances’ Recap: Wound Up In Vaginas

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div class=”field-item” even”>Weve arrived at our second week of me openly thirsting over Derrick the  recap. I just want to make an annoucenment to the fans, if youre out there: If you like these recaps and are not just one of my friends I bullied into reading them, please like this, tweet this, comment on thisjust show your love. Or hatred. Just show an emotion. Otherwise I may abandon these recaps because Ive got other things to do with my Wednesday night. Most of which revolve around drinking heavily. 

I am not even joking when Isay that I forgot Ryan Devlin wasnt on this shit anymore and I got upset about it all over again. It was like when I went to sleep after the election and woke up and remembered it wasn’t all just a horrible dream. Allow me a minute while I go through the five stages of grief for a second time.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Rashida: The Choice is whether about whether you want to share or steal so its really based on trust.

Yes, Rashida. We established this.

Gio to Alicia: You know whatever money you take home is going to be half mine anyway.

This is week two, folks. Alicia, I’ll tell you what I’ve been telling Tom Schwartz, Carter, most of the cast of my own friends, myself everytime a guy texts me “Good Morning”…

Alicia: You dont give a shit about your match, lets be real.

Francesca, Gio, everyone watching: 

Cam and Mikala are making out and Mikalas like Fuck the haters, were the only couple whos actually in love. Which again, isnt wrong. Now that I think about it, are a single one of these so-called “perfect matches” actually in romantic relationships? And isn’t that, IDK, THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE SHOW? 

Tori and Morgan are having another awkward talk. Or is it the same awkward talk as before and they just re-inserted the old footage? I think it is. Laziness, MTV. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Tori calls her relationship with Mike the worst mistake of her life. I hope Mike is not watching. Between getting branded as a woman beater AND the “worst mistake” of someone’s life, was not kind to him.

THE PARTY

All right, time for some gratuitous twerking scenes. Lets get it. Rashida and someone other girl (I can’t learn all the names, OK?) lick whipped cream off of Asafs abs, who has clearly taken a page out of Corinnes plabook.

My face when Asaf calls Devin “Daddy” not once, but TWICE.

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Nate: I have this problem where I see a pretty girl and Im just like I need I need.

I do not believe that at all. Am I the ONLY one…?

Carolina thinks Nate is sexy. What? Are we living in the Twilight Zone? I know Beyonc is married to Jay Z and all but this is taking things to new, broke heights.

Ellie is my spirit animal. You are the reason all bitches hate men, she drawls.

Nate and Carolinas relationship is basically the here for the wrong reasons of this show.

Ellie: I just dont want his mind wound up in vaginas.

Nate: Talk to me like an adult, not like raging crazy country girl.

Well that’s not fair considering I don’t think Ellie HAS any other way to talk.

Shanty is breaking out the clapping. in. be.tween. words. fighting strategy but when dd she get involved in this fight?

Nate: I like to be teased a little bit Funny, because I just vommed in my mouth a little bit.

THE CHALLENGE

This themes challenge is in sickness and in health,” or as The Squid explains it:

When the mess goes down, one partner has to step up and pick up the slack Ryan Devlin he is not. We all know what “in sickness and in health” means. You trying to paraphrase that very common trope just made things more confusing.

Squid: One of you needs to decide which one of you is gonna be the caregiver and whos gonna be a little more needy aka lets all watch gender roles play out in real time.

Asaf: I feel like a bean burrito.

They have to go to the state library of Victoria and then go back to the house. K.

THEY ALL HAVE YELLOW CABS WAITING FOR THEM. IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE? WHAT IS EVEN CHALLENGING ABOUT THIS CHALLENGE?

Actual footage of me watching this challenge:

Task 1: Collect 20 get well messages from strangers. So basically these strangers have to sign their casts. Jesus fucking christ, Ive done more work for a sorority scavenger hunt. This is the most idiotic thing Ive ever seen. Put me in, Coach MTV.

Kaylen: I’m the more serious person. I like to process things.

Asaf: *Dancing to himself during the interview*

Task 2: Find a clown and get him to check the cast. DIFFICULT.

Task 3: Go to the Melbourne City bath.

And once again, Ellie and Nate are at a disadvantage because Ellie is impossible to understand and Nate is just kinda weird.

Shanaynay: Im honest and sometimes me being honest is just me being a bitch.

$10 says she also has If you cant handle me at my worst, you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best as her cover photo.

How did Shanley fail at reading directions? Arent they in English? I legitimately dont understand.

A pigeon grabs Francescas balloon and starts running away with itthis is the most drama thats happened all episode. Courtesy of a pigeon. But was he hired by MTV?

Task 4: Find the doctor. Fill out medical paperwork.

Whats next? Do your taxes, give us your SSN just for shits and giggles?

Mikala is talking a bunch of shit about how shes filled out Cams doctor forms before so shes got this.

Mikala: Your birthday is April 3rd.

Cam: Its April 2nd.

Alicia nails the challenge and is like MIKEY GET TF UP HERE YOU BITCH! Is she his perfect match or his trainer?

Now they have to cut off the casts. WITH A SAW. This seems like a badddd idea. Is nobody supervising this? Just some interns with cameras? I am deeply concerned.

All the teams reenact their own version of the Do you trust me? HOW WAS THIS STUNT APPROVED.

Karolina cant find a cab to hail and this is triggering a full-on meltdown. Just look, with your special eyes.

Honestly I knew Asaf was born in Tel Aviv and Im not even his perfect match.

Mike and Alicia come in first. They clearly practiced their victory handshake in the cab. I think they ripped it off from . I SEE YOU. 

Hayden and Carolina get second.

Morgan and Tori get third.

We dont care about the middle placers, right? K. Good.

Asaf is basically on the verge of tears and apologizing to Kaylen for being a deadweight and they dont even come in last.

Kaylen: Don’t go in the house with your tail between your legs. own your shit.

Asaf: So we didn’t come in last?

Kaylen: Bruh did you hear wtf he just said? No.

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Nate and Ellie come in last.

Hayden wants to go into the elimination and wants to steal and fuck Carolina over just because Carolina had a little temper tantrum.

Carolina: That was one time!

Is anybody gonna mention how Gio definitely just said the N-word? Is that chill? Is this too deep a conversation for an MTV spinoff? Okay, Ill go fuck myself now. Mahalo.

Tori might go against the grain and vote in Sharon and Adam instead of Haylen and Carolina. *CUE THE SUSPENSE MUSIC*

Tori: I think people can hear me *as she looks around at all the cameras and microphones shes surrounded by*

THE VOTE

The host asks Carolina if theres trust in her relationship and shes like Yeah definitely I think we proved that last week and were working together super well now.

Everyone else:

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Adam and Shelby are voted in. Tori exposes herself as a snake in the process.

Devin: We have one snake in this house. And thats Tori. Aka

Devin & Rashida: Medusa.

Yall gotta find something better to do with your time than rehearse one-liners in unison.

Franny says to Shayna Well I picked you because I thought you were gonna steal and Shanley says Im not gonna steal but her eyes say Bitch WTF we had a deal you were supposed to keep yo damn mouth shut.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>THE PRE-CHOICE HALLMARK MOMENT

This is what I will now be calling these unnecessary speeches they have to give before they dramatically press a button on a touch-screen.

Shanley: Listen, I know I dont like you farting next to me but Im not stealing the money and I’d expect you to do the same because we are extremely good friends inside and outside this house.

Inner Shanley (to the camera): Steal that fuckin money yo ass has no job and got $0 in ya bank account

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Adam: Youre probably the coolest girl Ive ever met and youve been the same person since day 1 and Im 100% confident were both gonna share.

Strong words directed towards the girl who just admitted she has $0 in her bank account.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>THE CHOICE

It all comes down to money vs. friendship. A classic American conundrum.

Adam chose share

Stanley chose SHARE. Damn it, does this mean I have to actually use her real name now?

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A half-hearted round of applause follows.

Ellie and Nate are going home. They end with the following words of wisdom:

Nate: Were perfect matches because we both have attitude problems.

Ellie: Im a hopeless romantic, hes a hopeless romantic I guess hes not a vagina.

Y’all are on two totally different wavelengths. I can see why you were eliminated. Peace.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/are-you-the-one-second-chances-episode-2-recap

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