A brief guide to everything thats annoying about Apple

This week, the tech giant reported its first fall in sales for 13 years. Have we finally fallen out of love with its shiny new iPhones? Not quite but there are some small issues …

Is this the beginning of the end for Apple? The tech giants inexorable growth has been a given for most of the 21st century but, on Wednesday, Apple reported its first decline in quarterly sales for 13 years: a 13% fall, down to $50bn (34bn). Thats still enough to reduce the UKs budget deficit by half, but, in Apples reckoning, its a catastrophe. Apples share price fell by 8% yesterday, wiping more than $40bn off its value in a few hours. Is the world falling out of love with the Croesus of Cupertino? Even Siri was sounding like an exhausted spin doctor when we asked it for answers.

Siri, is this the beginning of the end for Apple?

Interesting question.

Siri, whats wrong with Apple?

I cant say.

Do you actually like Apple?

Well, perhaps Im biased, but I prefer all things Apple.

Why?

I dont know. Frankly, Ive wondered that myself.

What are the most common complaints about Apple?

Let me check on that …

Actually, save your circuits, Siri. We can tell you exactly why the world is falling out of love with Apple. Weve been storing up these complaints for years. So, why dont you just shut your British/American/Australian, male/female speech unit and listen?

1 The passwords

Signing into the iTunes store: Apple ID? Password? User password? Password for this Mac? System admin password? Password for password manager? Forgot? Given up? Gone to get a sledgehammer?

2 The product launches

Ramping up every product launch into a TED talk by Cirque du Soleil based on the Sermon on the Mount, even if its just plugging a marginally different phone.

The new iPhone: Its bigger!

The new iPhone: Its smaller!

The new iPhone: Its just the right size!

The new iPhone: Its the size of an ironing board, but so what? Buy it! Its new!

3 The endless hardware upgrades

Thanks to those product launches, we now have cupboards full of obsolete iPhones, iPods, iPads, MacBooks, chargers and cables, plus 30 pairs of white headphones because we always feel like were missing out on something HUGE.

4 The Green Eggs and Ham approach to software updates

Install now? Turn on automatic software updates? Remind me later? Try in an hour? Try tonight? Would you update them in a box? Would you update them with a fox? You do not like software updates, so you say? Try them, try them and you may!

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[insert obligatory on The Edge joke] Photograph: Reuters

5 The U2 album

The only music Apple ever gave away for free was the album absolutely nobody wanted or asked for.

6 The price

The cheapest iPhone is still way beyond the reach of people in poorer parts of the world places whose phone networks are likely to be expensive or unreliable, if they exist at all. Even in the UK, you can buy a basic mobile phone for as little as 10; the cheapest iPhoneis currently 359. Way to bring the world together.

7 Theyre too cool for tills

Instead of a tried-and-trusted checkout wherewe can quietly queue with some decorum, Apple stores force us to seek out that smug, snotty-nosed blueshirt whos lingering somewhere on the shopfloor with an iPad.

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Ive only come in to use the internet. Photograph: Philippe Lopez/AFP/Getty Images

8 The ubiquitous ringtone

The chime of Old Phone now triggers a Pavlovian response, causing everyone within earshot to imagine its a call for them. Even when you could have sworn you switched your phone to silent.

9 iPhone repairs

No matter whats wrong with your iPhone, or how tiny, it costs at least 200 to fix. Dodgy home button? 200. Wont restart? 200. Cracked screen? A bargain at 100.

10 The rip-off accessories

Need a new power adapter because that magnetic bit on the end broke when it got bent back too much? How much, Apple Store? 65! Plain black phone bumper that you could get down the market for a fiver? 25!

11 The constant iTunes revamping

Every upgrade of iTunes becomes a game of hide and seek. How do you make a playlist now? Wheres recently added? No, I dont want to start a sodding three-month free trial of Apple Music.

12 The utopian demos

Our photos and videos never feature people with happy dogs surfing around the world and going hiking with kites on beautiful mountains, like they do in all your take the tour demos. Couldnt you give us a slideshow of babies crying, and piles of washing up?

13 The Apple Watch

It sucks and Apple wont admit it. It wont even release sales figures for it, lumping it in with Apple TV, iPod and accessory sales which were one-tenth of those of iPhones.

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Is Apples time over? Photograph: Robert Galbraith/Reuters

14 Apple TV

The future of television? Also known as Another expensive box that does nothing all your other expensive boxes cant do already, but has an Apple logo on it.

15 Mac lag

Our old MacBook takes longer to wake up every morning than we do.

16 It is more controlling than Prince was

We know weve paid for the entire Prince back catalogue at some stage, but iTunes wont let us listen to it without negotiating an assault course of synching protocols, passwords, user settings, menus, helpdesk chatbots and, finally, Googled explainers.

17 Wet fingers

Having to wait for 20 minutes after coming out of the shower before our iPhone fingerprint scanner recognises us. Like the clean you isnt the real you.

18 They have turned into The Man

Apple has marketed itself as the alternative choice ever since Ridley Scotts 1984-themed Super Bowl ad 30 years ago, but, in the meantime, it has basically become Big Brother

19 Their hatred of ports

Apples eradication of USB ports from iPads just rendered all your accessories obsolete (lightning-to-USB adapter: another 15 down the drain). Just like their sealing up of the DVD/CD slot rendered your collections of both obsolete (so you have to buy them again from iTunes). It is now easier to hack the US defence system than get a DVD on to an iPad.

20 The Smart Battery Case

Which converts your elegant, slender, hopelessly underpowered iPhone 6 into an ugly, clunky monstrosity of a phone. Because thats what Smart looks like.

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Steve Jobs in 1994. Photograph: KeystoneUSA-Zuma/Rex Features

21 Their format dictatorship

You take a picture with your iPhone. You import it to iPhotos. Now you try to attach it to an email. Ha! You cant! Instead, you have to find the photo, save a copy on to your desktop, then attach THAT version. The only way to do it easily is through Apples own Mail application, otherwise known as BlackMail.

22 Their wealth

Apple has cash reserves greater than the GDP of most countries, accrued in part by depriving those countries of taxes, and exploitingtheir mineral resources.

23 Their contempt for humanity

Bill Gates uses his fortune to cure malaria, Apple uses its fortune to … make bigger fortunes.

24 Error 53

How many corporations possess and wield the power to criminally damage their products your products after theyve sold them to you? Apples notorious Error 53 punished users for the offence of going to unauthorised repairers by effectively shutting down their iPhone 6 handsets a practice known as bricking. When a class-action lawsuit threatened, Apple got scared and backed down a practice known as bricking it.

25 Theyve taken over the music industry

iTunes paved the way for the low-priced digital music revolution, where artists get a minuscule share of the profits and Apple gets a much larger cut. It wiped out high-street record shops, crippled the music industry, then extracted a ransom from artists to put their music in its virtual shop window. Then it stole Taylor Swift and locked her up in Apple Music, just to rub it in.

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Tim Cook, Apple CEO, in front of a artists impression of its new Cupertino HQ. Photograph: Stephen Lam/Reuters

26 Their business model is The Circle

<a href=”http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/oct/09/circle-dave-eggers-review” title=”” data-link-name=”in” body link” data-component=”in-body-link” class=”u-underline”>Dave Eggers dystopian novel details autopian-sounding tech corporation whose ambitions extend to every aspect of peoples lives, anticipating, fulfilling and creating their every desire, to the extent that people never need to step outside the closed loop of control. Then find they cant even if they want to. Apple has done its best to dispel such comparisons by building amassive new headquarters in the shape of a circle.

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/apr/27/a-brief-guide-to-everything-thats-annoying-about-apple

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