13 Stupid Things We’ll Probably See In ’13 Reasons Why’ Season Two

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div class=”field-item” even”>Welp. The day we all knew would come is finally here. has been greenlit for a season 2, despite the fact that it is a very bad show about a group of impossibly annoying people who say things like FML Forever and dont know the difference between being a shitty teenager and sexual assault. Awesome.

I guess this makes sense. Season one left us with so many questions! Namely, Why?”,Dear God, why?, and Who is responsible for this?

Given that this show is, unfortunately, going to be with us for a while, its only appropriate that we start wildly speculating about the contents of season two now. Please feel free to venmo me @Jane_Duh when each and every one of these comes true.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>1. Hannah Baker Is Still Involved Somehow

I think its fairly safe to say that we are (unfortunately) not done hearing from Hannah Baker. What other teen fuckery did the students of Liberty High perpetrate on this dark, beautiful genius? I guess were going to find out. Either that or the entire series will focus on Hannahs ghost in heaven (or hell, TBH) getting pissed at God and enacting a cruel and meticulously planned revenge scheme on the arch angels. Or, maybe she was never dead at all and returns to Liberty with a wig and a passport saying her name is Banna Haker so that she can watch her former friends lives fall apart IRL. Honestly could see any of these options existing in the universe. Also Hannah will probably find a way to be somehow more annoying.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>2. Clay Gets Stitches Or Dies Of Infection

Its do or die time for the giant yeast infected vag that developed on Clays forehead in season one. Get this boy some stitches or he will die of infection, Oregon Trail style. Given the pallid color of his dying flesh by the season finale, I think it might actually be too late for Clay to benefit from antibiotics or medical intervention of any kind. Maybe next season will be about a series of voice memos Clay recorded in his hospital bed before succumbing to bacterial infection? Could be.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>3. Alex Is Still Alive

So, as we all know from the thrilling conclusion of season one, Alex went and shot himself in the head. Or maybe was shot in the head. Unclear. What we do know is that hes in critical condition which is TV speak for still alive and going to come back for season two. Whether or not he comes back right away, or stays in a bleach blond coma for a while, remains to be seen. Maybe his spirit will go visit Hannah in heaven and the two of them will become BFFs again until he circulates a list to all the other ghosts saying she he has the best halo or something. I guess well just have to wait and see.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>4. Bryce Goes To Jail

One of the things that could do if it wanted to be a good show that helped people would be bringing Bryce Walker to justice. While I have little faith in becoming either of the two aforementioned things, I do feel like well be getting a Bryce Walker Goes To Court plot line next season. Maybe the judge will also investigate why he appears to be a 30-year-old man attending a high school. Just a thought.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>5. Skye Reveals WTF Her Problem Is

One of the characters left off the tapes last season but who was inexplicably still part of the plot line was Skye, Hot Topics lone remaining customer. WTF is Skyes problem? Unclear. All we know is that shes not popular and believes herself to be some kind of a witch. Also, Clay saw her self-harm and didnt say anything to anyone because its not like hed be sensitive to the warning signs of suicide or anything. Anyway, given Skyes random presence in season one, my hope is that well get more clarity on how exactly she relates to the plot in season two. Or maybe we wont. This is , after all.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>6. Tyler Is A School Shooter

Whats the thing that old Russian author said? If a freakish stalker buys a gun in season one, that gun has to go off in season two. Its like, Chekovs something-or- other? Idk. Anyway, Tyler obviously is going to use the gun he bought (if he didnt already use it to shoot Alex! Dun dun dun!) and given that homie has been one trench coat away from Columbine the entirety of season one, I dont think its crazy to assume he may bring said gun to school. Cant wait to see handle this very delicate topic with the same clunky, ham-fisted navet they displayed when tackling suicide, sexual assault, and self-harm. Selena Gomez truly is an expert in these fields.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>7. Selena Gomez Makes A Cameo

Speaking of Selena Gomez, shes gotta be due for a cameo. For those of you who didnt know, its Selena Gomezs fault that we have at all. Given that she and the Weeknds relationship is kind of old news and she hasnt released a song since that one jam about herself masturbating a lot, SG is probably looking for some more attention. Honestly, I wouldnt be surprised if she was low-key kicking herself for turning down the role of Hannah Baker. Maybe she could do a / crossover ep? Selena could use her magic to fix Clays forehead, and to make everyone 1000% less annoying. Or maybe she’ll just walk on screen, look directly to camera, and apologize to all of us for creating the show in the first place.

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8. Zine Kid Just Gets A Fucking Blog

Hopefully this season Ryan, the kid who apparently hasnt gotten the memo about the death of print, will just get a fucking blog already. This would solve literally every single one of his problems. Its free. You can post whatever you want. And you dont need the schools permission to print it. If it worked for , it can work for you, honey. This unfortunately will not address the fact that he acts like an evil gay ghost, an affliction for which there is no cure.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>9. Betsy DeVos Turns Liberty High Into A Charter

Liberty High has to be one of the most criminally negligent and disturbing examples of the U.S. public school system, which means it is ripe for praise from Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. Shell probably do a mid-season cameo where she dodges protesters outside of the school to go meet with Mr. Porter and award him the “Betsy DeVos Excellence In Guidance Counselor-ship” Award and to mandate that they change Communications class into a 3 hour long Bible study. Cant wait.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>10. Courtney Crimson Comes Out

Okay so not what you think. I mean, maybe she’ll come out as gay. Maybe she won’t. What I’m talking about is that Courtney will finally reveal what we’ve known all alongthat “Courtney Crimson” is a porn name she adopted when money was tight and she decided to do a little Cam Girl-ing on the side. Think about it. She was so photogenic in those stalker pics, revealing she knows exactly the right angle to capture the perfect girl-on-girl kiss. And, as I’ve previously stated, Courtney Crimson is less of a name for a valedictorian and more of a name for an aging sex worker who now does Sirius XM radio and has a custom fleshlight line molded to look like her actual butt. 

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>11. Tony Finally Gets Enough Plutonium To Return To The 1950s

The unspoken sub-plot of season 1 is that Tony (who I have respectfully christened Gay Mexican The Fonz) is a time-traveler from the 1950s who is trapped in our time period until he can get enough plutonium to send his red Mercedes back from whence he came. My prediction is season two will end exactly like season one, with Clay in the passenger seat of Tonys car, except this time instead of cruising off into the sunset, they will be using the electrical force of a lightning storm to activate Tonys cars flux capacitor and send them careening through space and time just as a recording of Hannahs voice says Roads? Where were going, we dont need roads. Roads, welcome to your tape.

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>12. All The Characters Develop Migraines

Based off my calculations, the 15-17-year-old children in the universe drink approximately 25 cups of coffee per day. This is sure to come back to bite them as they mature and their risk for chronic migraines increases. Honestly, if half of season two isnt split between various characters lying in dark rooms demanding silence and Jessica getting drunk in an MRI machine, this show has no basis in reality (which, for the record, it does not).

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h2 style=”text-align:;” center;”>13. It Was All Just A Terrible, Terrible Dream

I dont mean Hannah Bakers suicide, I mean the existence of the show in general. Maybe Ill wake up tomorrow refreshed, with all the hours I spent watching and writing about this horrible show being restored to me. Maybe in an hour or so Ill come to with the cast standing around me looking concerned and Ill say, But there was a show! A terrible show! And you were there! And you! And you! and theyll all look at me confused and say, No Jane. There is no show. This is the MTV Movie Awards and youre receiving the first non-gendered award for acting performance. You beat Emma Watson. Everyone loves you!

Either that, or we get another 13 episodes of a very shitty show. Guess Ill just have to pinch myself and see what happens.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/13-reasons-why-season-two

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